Cooking up geopolitical crime in Washington D. C.
George Bush’s Commander-in-Chef Mission Accomplished Baghdad Victory Stew
3 tablespoons, Iraqi extra virgin oil [no olives]
A “sea” of crude oil (and the necessary no-bid contracts to protect it)
Misinformation and disinformation (including Iraqi mushroom [clouds] and 9/11 Saddam [pork] links)
Shock ‘n awe-tichoke cruise missiles and B-1 bombers (in quantity)
130,000 American troops (Army Chief of Staff Gen. Eric Shinseki suggested that, for this victory stew, “several hundred thousand” American troops were needed, but he was hustled out of the kitchen.)
1 head of Saddam Hussein
1 bunch, coalition of the dilling, finely chopped
1 cup, Congressional authorization for war
2 sprigs of Iraqi exiles
Embedded reporters (to taste)
Dough for accompanying Iraqi flatbread, $50-60 million worth (Top Bush economic advisor Larry Lindsey suggested that $200 billion might be a more reasonable figure, but he, too, was promptly ousted from the kitchen.)
Flower petals (edible and in season)
In a heavy casserole, heat extra virgin Iraqi oil over a medium flame.
Add disinformation (mushrooms and links) and sauté until brown; repeat process. (You cannot repeat too many times.)
Add sprigs of Iraqi exiles.
Pour in cup of Congressional authorization for war. Stir vigorously as this tends to evaporate.
Pour in sea of crude oil. Raise heat to high. Quickly add shock ‘n awe-tichoke cruise missiles and B-1 bombers. Cover tightly and bring to a boil. (If this “decapitation” cooking process works and you suddenly find yourself with the head of Saddam Hussein, add it as well.)
Stir in 130,000 American troops. Grind in embedded reporters (to taste). Add chopped coalition of the dilling. Bring back to a boil.
Cover, lower the heat, and simmer, stirring periodically, for three weeks.
Remove to a platter. Serve piping hot, otherwise “stuff happens.” If possible, hire Shiite waiters to strew edible flower petals atop the victory stew at the table for dramatic effect.
George W. Bush’s Commander-in-Chef Losing Mulligatawny Soup
At least 140,000 American troops
Tens of thousands of private security contractors
Nearly 4,000 dead Americans
Tens of thousands of wounded Americans
From several hundred thousand to a million or more dead Iraqis
4.5 million Iraqi refugees or internally displaced persons
4 million hungry Iraqis
Assorted Shiite militias and death squads
Assorted Kurdish militias
80,000 U.S.-armed Sunni “concerned citizens” (militias)
At least 24,000 Iraqi prisoners in American jails
Thousands of Sunni insurgents.
Hundreds (or thousands) of Al-Qaeda-in-Mesopotamia militants
Hundreds of foreign jihadis and suicide bombers.
Up to 10,000 Turkish troops.
Numerous Iranian agents
Crude oil (where available)
Hundreds of IEDs (roadside bombs)
361 U.S. Army unmanned drones operating in Iraqi airspace
Hundreds of thousands of pounds of explosives released by U.S. Air Force planes
Dough for accompanying Iraqi flatbread, now possibly $3 trillion — and rising.
Heat whatever crude oil is available in the largest kettle you can find until smoking. Dump in all ingredients in whatever quantities in any order you choose. (Warning: popping oil, shield eyes.) Add polluted water. Bring to a roiling boil at highest heat. Cook for as much — or as little — time as you want. Pour the soup, boiling hot, across the table (no need for bowls) and dig in.
Bon appétit! Happy anniversary!